Time to Talk About the "T" in LGBT

A recent brouhaha where a transgender patron was banned from a local Dallas gay bar called the Crews Inn and the controversy caused by organizations such as the Human Rights Campaign to exclude transgendered people from the Employment Non Discrimination Act highlight a real problem in our community. It’s not so much a problem of sexual identity, but a problem of memory. It is easy to forget that not so long ago, the straight world saw us in a different light. The stereotypes of gays and lesbians were always entangled with gender identity issues.

As little as 20 years ago, most straight people had the impression that at least one member of a gay couple played the part of “the woman” and the same was true in their images of lesbians. For straight people, any sexual coupling that didn’t involve masculine and feminine was unthinkable. I believe this is because of two issues. The first is what has been called the “tyranny of the norm”. That is the prevailing belief, albeit usually subconscious, that everyone is the same as you. In other words, when a straight man walks into a room of men, he assumes they are all straight. The second is because of the inability to understand that being the receptive partner in a sexual coupling does not equate to a loss of masculinity.

Beyond the mechanics of sexual coupling there is a prejudice in the lesbian and gay community as well. For some, transgender people are just odd. Like our straight brothers and sisters, we expect everyone to be the same as us. If you don’t believe me, next time you are out with gay friends, point to any attractive man and ask them if he is straight or gay. I guarantee at least one of your friends will say, “Oh puleeze! My gaydar went off the minute he entered the room.”

Transgender people are a problem if you cling to gender stereotypes. I have talked to many women who have real problems wrapping their head around the idea of a biological female who seeks to live life as a male, and lots of men just are not comfortable with males who transition to female. Surprisingly, these same people have no problem with a “butch” dyke or a drag queen. I suspect that is because even though these individuals may resemble the opposite sex, they maintain relationships that fit the gay and lesbian stereotype.

There is more than a little irony in the fact that a people who have faced discrimination because of their sexual identities should have a problem with gender identity, but it is there none the less. I remember clearly an incident when a friend of mine was with me at a leather event. A very cute and hunky guy caught his eye and he was doggedly pursuing him for most of the evening. About the time he got up the nerve to approach him I told my friend that the cute hunk he was after was a transman friend of mine. Since he was interested primarily in finding just how well endowed the guy was, the revelation came as a real shock. I introduced them anyway and they struck up a friendly conversation, though nothing sexual would happen between them.

The point of this story is that transpeople don’t fit our preconceived ideas and unless we are willing to get to know the person and not just the gender we will always be part of the continuing discrimination they face.

Personally, I have a lot of transgender friends and for me, they represent just another delightful color in the rainbow of human sexuality. Their sexuality and gender identity is as much an inherent part of who they are as being gay is to me. It is not a choice, but a driving force in their lives and if we fail to honor this, we fall into the same trap as the unenlightened straight world who considers being gay or lesbian a “choice”.

It took me a while to come around to this view, but it was worth the effort. If we are truly to live in a world without prejudice toward LGBT people, we need to start living without that prejudice ourselves.